St. Augustine, Confessions

"Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all. You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours."

Quietly Hoping.

Relevant for this semester (and always).

Lamentations 3:25-33

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:

Comforting to know.

And thus, "I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left." Lamentations 3:24

(Break)through.

You girls know that metal band I listen to that you love so much? Well, Mattie Montgomery, the lead "singer" is also a spectacular man of God. He released a sermon series that was available for free download, so I did of course (AND I follow him on twitter, how hip am I!?). I've had it for a while and always thought it was great, but tonight it broke me down.

I've realized lately how awful my self image is. Especially lately, I am constantly pinching and pulling and staring at myself in the mirror-and never being satisfied with what I see. I've been working out almost every day, in some form or fashion, and eating less/better. Working out is fine, but I notice when I don't I feel worse about myself or like I'm suddenly going gain weight. When my hormones are raging and it gets close to that special time of the month, all of the negative, horrible things people have said to me seem to come flooding back at once. I never seem satisfied with myself. There's always something I need to change. Not only physically, but also emotionally. I know it's often said, but it's true,-I am my own worst enemy. I get stuck in my own world of putting all my imperfections in a line, and counting them over and over like some psychopath.

There are times where I honestly question my sanity. I over analyze till I exhaust my mind. I get insecure, then angry, then selfish, then insecure, then apathetic, and usually end up suppressing any feelings or thoughts until they arouse at the most unpleasant, ill-timed moment. And then I get frustrated again.

I've also realized lately that I have a lot to work through, but I keep turning and turning like I'm stuck inside that figurative hamster wheel, not knowing what to do with myself and all my instability.

Here we are, tonight, about midnight. I'm frustrated and upset about communication with my family, my relationship (or whatever it is), and most of all myself. So what do I do? Start working out before I watch another movie because I don't deserve sleep. I had already been thinking about my personal view of myself, especially after watching "Girl, Interrupted" and decided it would be a good idea to listen to some worship. I typically listen to my moody (yet so honest and wonderful) Mewithoutyou. After a MWY song, "Prayer" preached by Mattie Montgomery started. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by Love. Where he starts talking about breaking through a spirit of depression, and cutting through clouds of deception,--that was speaking straight to me. And God saying, "Aubrey, I love you, just the way you are."

Even after all these years, I need to be reminded. Constantly.
I desire to be loved as I am, consistently.

God is the only one who will 110% succeed at that.

I hope you will take the time to listen to the both of these, "Prayer" and "You Are Worth It," both which have so deeply encouraged and moved me. Love you! And definitely am excited to be with you all very very soon. <3

"Give her everything she deserves!"

What do I deserve? I ask myself.

I've been reading through Proverbs 31 this morning (yet again), thinking...what kind of woman am I, really? I'd like to think I strive for excellence,...no, holiness..but what is it really worth? What am I really doing? Too often do I struggle with, what is my goodness really worth? I don't deny it has eternal value, but to the people around me...where does this really get me? It doesn't get me a high paying job. It doesn't get me fame. I'm still not even sure if it will get me the equal, lasting relationship (eventually marriage) that I so desire.

Honestly, fame nor money are really important to me,-not for myself anyways. It's wanting to be perfection to someone else. I want to be someone's everything. I hate feeling like I am lacking in any one area. Especially looks. It haunts me and brings me down continually. Good days and bad days...but I'm learning to trust You, God. To let go of the things I think I "need" to be. I have to continually remind myself that God knows the desires of my heart, and to be strong, and wait upon the Lord. (As Psalm 27:14 so often reminds me). Also, that I am His. He created me, when I insult myself, I insult His creation. I am beautiful to Him, and the godly man He puts me with will be able to recognize that and appreciate me in the way I do deserve.

This year has been one big emotional hurricane. I know at the beginning of this year though I was not a good woman. I was apathetic, selfish, and put God to the side so I could control my own steps. Obviously it didn't work out so well. I'm still healing from the wounds I brought on myself. I'm still angry in a lot of ways, but have changed and grown so much,-especially this summer.

God most certainly doesn't give me more than I can handle, but He doesn't let up either. I keep trying to wake up early, but I can't seem to get out of bed. I am so exhausted emotionally more than anything. My brain is on overtime, and my heart is constantly fighting a battle. I am being broken. However, it doesn't end there. He is only breaking me to renew me. To rid myself of these insecurities, fears, and immaturity. I have to think to myself, better now than later.

As far as marriage, or even a relationship goes, growing up I always told God, I want what is best. I want a lasting, equal, God-centered relationship (and marriage). I know now more than ever, in this day and age especially, it is something that takes incredible dedication, and most of all blood, sweat, tears,...and prayer. And time...the thing I hate most.

Alright, I'm not really sure where I am going with this. My brain feels fried and I guess at this point I don't know what's happening exactly. I woke up at God knows what time, deep in thought. It was the weirdest feeling. All I know is I am still in a growing period. I am in the desert. This year has been the desert. God provides an "oasis" here and there, but I'm still in the heat, I can still feel the grind of the sand on my "spiritual skin," ha. I know the only way to find what I'm looking for is to seek direction. Prayer and seeking God is the only way I will find answers to all of the questions in my mind.

And so it goes.