"Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all. You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours."
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Quietly Hoping.
Relevant for this semester (and always).
Lamentations 3:25-33
25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.
Lamentations 3:25-33
25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
Comforting to know.
And thus, "I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left." Lamentations 3:24
Sunday, August 15, 2010
(Break)through.
You girls know that metal band I listen to that you love so much? Well, Mattie Montgomery, the lead "singer" is also a spectacular man of God. He released a sermon series that was available for free download, so I did of course (AND I follow him on twitter, how hip am I!?). I've had it for a while and always thought it was great, but tonight it broke me down.
I've realized lately how awful my self image is. Especially lately, I am constantly pinching and pulling and staring at myself in the mirror-and never being satisfied with what I see. I've been working out almost every day, in some form or fashion, and eating less/better. Working out is fine, but I notice when I don't I feel worse about myself or like I'm suddenly going gain weight. When my hormones are raging and it gets close to that special time of the month, all of the negative, horrible things people have said to me seem to come flooding back at once. I never seem satisfied with myself. There's always something I need to change. Not only physically, but also emotionally. I know it's often said, but it's true,-I am my own worst enemy. I get stuck in my own world of putting all my imperfections in a line, and counting them over and over like some psychopath.
There are times where I honestly question my sanity. I over analyze till I exhaust my mind. I get insecure, then angry, then selfish, then insecure, then apathetic, and usually end up suppressing any feelings or thoughts until they arouse at the most unpleasant, ill-timed moment. And then I get frustrated again.
I've also realized lately that I have a lot to work through, but I keep turning and turning like I'm stuck inside that figurative hamster wheel, not knowing what to do with myself and all my instability.
Here we are, tonight, about midnight. I'm frustrated and upset about communication with my family, my relationship (or whatever it is), and most of all myself. So what do I do? Start working out before I watch another movie because I don't deserve sleep. I had already been thinking about my personal view of myself, especially after watching "Girl, Interrupted" and decided it would be a good idea to listen to some worship. I typically listen to my moody (yet so honest and wonderful) Mewithoutyou. After a MWY song, "Prayer" preached by Mattie Montgomery started. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by Love. Where he starts talking about breaking through a spirit of depression, and cutting through clouds of deception,--that was speaking straight to me. And God saying, "Aubrey, I love you, just the way you are."
Even after all these years, I need to be reminded. Constantly.
I desire to be loved as I am, consistently.
God is the only one who will 110% succeed at that.
I hope you will take the time to listen to the both of these, "Prayer" and "You Are Worth It," both which have so deeply encouraged and moved me. Love you! And definitely am excited to be with you all very very soon. <3
I've realized lately how awful my self image is. Especially lately, I am constantly pinching and pulling and staring at myself in the mirror-and never being satisfied with what I see. I've been working out almost every day, in some form or fashion, and eating less/better. Working out is fine, but I notice when I don't I feel worse about myself or like I'm suddenly going gain weight. When my hormones are raging and it gets close to that special time of the month, all of the negative, horrible things people have said to me seem to come flooding back at once. I never seem satisfied with myself. There's always something I need to change. Not only physically, but also emotionally. I know it's often said, but it's true,-I am my own worst enemy. I get stuck in my own world of putting all my imperfections in a line, and counting them over and over like some psychopath.
There are times where I honestly question my sanity. I over analyze till I exhaust my mind. I get insecure, then angry, then selfish, then insecure, then apathetic, and usually end up suppressing any feelings or thoughts until they arouse at the most unpleasant, ill-timed moment. And then I get frustrated again.
I've also realized lately that I have a lot to work through, but I keep turning and turning like I'm stuck inside that figurative hamster wheel, not knowing what to do with myself and all my instability.
Here we are, tonight, about midnight. I'm frustrated and upset about communication with my family, my relationship (or whatever it is), and most of all myself. So what do I do? Start working out before I watch another movie because I don't deserve sleep. I had already been thinking about my personal view of myself, especially after watching "Girl, Interrupted" and decided it would be a good idea to listen to some worship. I typically listen to my moody (yet so honest and wonderful) Mewithoutyou. After a MWY song, "Prayer" preached by Mattie Montgomery started. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by Love. Where he starts talking about breaking through a spirit of depression, and cutting through clouds of deception,--that was speaking straight to me. And God saying, "Aubrey, I love you, just the way you are."
Even after all these years, I need to be reminded. Constantly.
I desire to be loved as I am, consistently.
God is the only one who will 110% succeed at that.
I hope you will take the time to listen to the both of these, "Prayer" and "You Are Worth It," both which have so deeply encouraged and moved me. Love you! And definitely am excited to be with you all very very soon. <3
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
"Give her everything she deserves!"
What do I deserve? I ask myself.
I've been reading through Proverbs 31 this morning (yet again), thinking...what kind of woman am I, really? I'd like to think I strive for excellence,...no, holiness..but what is it really worth? What am I really doing? Too often do I struggle with, what is my goodness really worth? I don't deny it has eternal value, but to the people around me...where does this really get me? It doesn't get me a high paying job. It doesn't get me fame. I'm still not even sure if it will get me the equal, lasting relationship (eventually marriage) that I so desire.
Honestly, fame nor money are really important to me,-not for myself anyways. It's wanting to be perfection to someone else. I want to be someone's everything. I hate feeling like I am lacking in any one area. Especially looks. It haunts me and brings me down continually. Good days and bad days...but I'm learning to trust You, God. To let go of the things I think I "need" to be. I have to continually remind myself that God knows the desires of my heart, and to be strong, and wait upon the Lord. (As Psalm 27:14 so often reminds me). Also, that I am His. He created me, when I insult myself, I insult His creation. I am beautiful to Him, and the godly man He puts me with will be able to recognize that and appreciate me in the way I do deserve.
This year has been one big emotional hurricane. I know at the beginning of this year though I was not a good woman. I was apathetic, selfish, and put God to the side so I could control my own steps. Obviously it didn't work out so well. I'm still healing from the wounds I brought on myself. I'm still angry in a lot of ways, but have changed and grown so much,-especially this summer.
God most certainly doesn't give me more than I can handle, but He doesn't let up either. I keep trying to wake up early, but I can't seem to get out of bed. I am so exhausted emotionally more than anything. My brain is on overtime, and my heart is constantly fighting a battle. I am being broken. However, it doesn't end there. He is only breaking me to renew me. To rid myself of these insecurities, fears, and immaturity. I have to think to myself, better now than later.
As far as marriage, or even a relationship goes, growing up I always told God, I want what is best. I want a lasting, equal, God-centered relationship (and marriage). I know now more than ever, in this day and age especially, it is something that takes incredible dedication, and most of all blood, sweat, tears,...and prayer. And time...the thing I hate most.
Alright, I'm not really sure where I am going with this. My brain feels fried and I guess at this point I don't know what's happening exactly. I woke up at God knows what time, deep in thought. It was the weirdest feeling. All I know is I am still in a growing period. I am in the desert. This year has been the desert. God provides an "oasis" here and there, but I'm still in the heat, I can still feel the grind of the sand on my "spiritual skin," ha. I know the only way to find what I'm looking for is to seek direction. Prayer and seeking God is the only way I will find answers to all of the questions in my mind.
And so it goes.
I've been reading through Proverbs 31 this morning (yet again), thinking...what kind of woman am I, really? I'd like to think I strive for excellence,...no, holiness..but what is it really worth? What am I really doing? Too often do I struggle with, what is my goodness really worth? I don't deny it has eternal value, but to the people around me...where does this really get me? It doesn't get me a high paying job. It doesn't get me fame. I'm still not even sure if it will get me the equal, lasting relationship (eventually marriage) that I so desire.
Honestly, fame nor money are really important to me,-not for myself anyways. It's wanting to be perfection to someone else. I want to be someone's everything. I hate feeling like I am lacking in any one area. Especially looks. It haunts me and brings me down continually. Good days and bad days...but I'm learning to trust You, God. To let go of the things I think I "need" to be. I have to continually remind myself that God knows the desires of my heart, and to be strong, and wait upon the Lord. (As Psalm 27:14 so often reminds me). Also, that I am His. He created me, when I insult myself, I insult His creation. I am beautiful to Him, and the godly man He puts me with will be able to recognize that and appreciate me in the way I do deserve.
This year has been one big emotional hurricane. I know at the beginning of this year though I was not a good woman. I was apathetic, selfish, and put God to the side so I could control my own steps. Obviously it didn't work out so well. I'm still healing from the wounds I brought on myself. I'm still angry in a lot of ways, but have changed and grown so much,-especially this summer.
God most certainly doesn't give me more than I can handle, but He doesn't let up either. I keep trying to wake up early, but I can't seem to get out of bed. I am so exhausted emotionally more than anything. My brain is on overtime, and my heart is constantly fighting a battle. I am being broken. However, it doesn't end there. He is only breaking me to renew me. To rid myself of these insecurities, fears, and immaturity. I have to think to myself, better now than later.
As far as marriage, or even a relationship goes, growing up I always told God, I want what is best. I want a lasting, equal, God-centered relationship (and marriage). I know now more than ever, in this day and age especially, it is something that takes incredible dedication, and most of all blood, sweat, tears,...and prayer. And time...the thing I hate most.
Alright, I'm not really sure where I am going with this. My brain feels fried and I guess at this point I don't know what's happening exactly. I woke up at God knows what time, deep in thought. It was the weirdest feeling. All I know is I am still in a growing period. I am in the desert. This year has been the desert. God provides an "oasis" here and there, but I'm still in the heat, I can still feel the grind of the sand on my "spiritual skin," ha. I know the only way to find what I'm looking for is to seek direction. Prayer and seeking God is the only way I will find answers to all of the questions in my mind.
And so it goes.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
When Everything Just Seems Twisted.
So, tonight I found out that a girl from my high school class is engaged. Not to be judgmental, but she isn't even technically dating the guy,-or wasn't. It's just weird.
I got really upset when I heard about it being legit. You'd think it'd be the typical girl jealousy, but it's not. It's different. This girl isn't a horrible person, but she openly admitted to sleeping around, even told Joseph (they're friends) that she was doing so much sexually that she just became numb to it. WHY IS SHE GETTING MARRIED? Much more before me. I haven't slept around, God! I haven't had STDs or any pregnancy scares. I haven't had sexual intercourse at all, come to think of it. WHY can I not get what I want?
Again, Joseph is friends with her (and again, I am not trying to sound judgmental although I suppose it's slightly unavoidable. I think she is a sweet girl and wish her the best)...anyways, he got back from hanging out with her and started texting me. He felt exactly the same way. He was really bummed out. Sometimes it just gets so freaking EXHAUSTING to do good, especially when you are not seeing the effects of it right away. It's only human to say, "where are my rewards, God?" right? Right. King David, a man after God's own heart did!
I love Psalms. And not just because it makes for good devotions or looks good on Christian paraphernalia, but because it's REAL. Real emotion, real problems, and depicts the real struggle in seeking Goodness. I gave a pep talk to Joseph (and myself) and when I felt like he was too tired to listen and I was too incapable of producing sensible sentences, I just went to the Word. I always somehow subtly try to avoid it and yet it is the exact healing I need, every time. Boy, are we dumb sheep. Or at least I am. God loves me anyway, or especially!?
As I began reading, I came to Psalm 19, and it encouraged me immensely. I was smiling by the end of it! God is GOOD! And He listens and yes, blesses,-but on His timing! We just gotta trust Him, continually.
Psalm 19 (The Message)
1-2 God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.
Madame Day holds classes every morning,
Professor Night lectures each evening.
3-4 Their words aren't heard,
their voices aren't recorded,
But their silence fills the earth:
unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
4-5 God makes a huge dome
for the sun—a superdome!
The morning sun's a new husband
leaping from his honeymoon bed,
The daybreaking sun an athlete
racing to the tape.
6 That's how God's Word vaults across the skies
from sunrise to sunset,
Melting ice, scorching deserts,
warming hearts to faith.
7-9 The revelation of God is whole
and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear
and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are right,
showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain
and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,
with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate
down to the nth degree.
10 God's Word is better than a diamond,
better than a diamond set between emeralds.
You'll like it better than strawberries in spring,
better than red, ripe strawberries.
11-14 There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
Keep me from stupid sins,
from thinking I can take over your work;
Then I can start this day sun-washed,
scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
These are the words in my mouth;
these are what I chew on and pray.
Accept them when I place them
on the morning altar,
O God, my Altar-Rock,
God, Priest-of-My-Altar
I got really upset when I heard about it being legit. You'd think it'd be the typical girl jealousy, but it's not. It's different. This girl isn't a horrible person, but she openly admitted to sleeping around, even told Joseph (they're friends) that she was doing so much sexually that she just became numb to it. WHY IS SHE GETTING MARRIED? Much more before me. I haven't slept around, God! I haven't had STDs or any pregnancy scares. I haven't had sexual intercourse at all, come to think of it. WHY can I not get what I want?
Again, Joseph is friends with her (and again, I am not trying to sound judgmental although I suppose it's slightly unavoidable. I think she is a sweet girl and wish her the best)...anyways, he got back from hanging out with her and started texting me. He felt exactly the same way. He was really bummed out. Sometimes it just gets so freaking EXHAUSTING to do good, especially when you are not seeing the effects of it right away. It's only human to say, "where are my rewards, God?" right? Right. King David, a man after God's own heart did!
I love Psalms. And not just because it makes for good devotions or looks good on Christian paraphernalia, but because it's REAL. Real emotion, real problems, and depicts the real struggle in seeking Goodness. I gave a pep talk to Joseph (and myself) and when I felt like he was too tired to listen and I was too incapable of producing sensible sentences, I just went to the Word. I always somehow subtly try to avoid it and yet it is the exact healing I need, every time. Boy, are we dumb sheep. Or at least I am. God loves me anyway, or especially!?
As I began reading, I came to Psalm 19, and it encouraged me immensely. I was smiling by the end of it! God is GOOD! And He listens and yes, blesses,-but on His timing! We just gotta trust Him, continually.
"God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him." -Psalm 18:20
Psalm 19 (The Message)
1-2 God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.
Madame Day holds classes every morning,
Professor Night lectures each evening.
3-4 Their words aren't heard,
their voices aren't recorded,
But their silence fills the earth:
unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.
4-5 God makes a huge dome
for the sun—a superdome!
The morning sun's a new husband
leaping from his honeymoon bed,
The daybreaking sun an athlete
racing to the tape.
6 That's how God's Word vaults across the skies
from sunrise to sunset,
Melting ice, scorching deserts,
warming hearts to faith.
7-9 The revelation of God is whole
and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear
and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are right,
showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain
and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,
with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate
down to the nth degree.
10 God's Word is better than a diamond,
better than a diamond set between emeralds.
You'll like it better than strawberries in spring,
better than red, ripe strawberries.
11-14 There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
Keep me from stupid sins,
from thinking I can take over your work;
Then I can start this day sun-washed,
scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
These are the words in my mouth;
these are what I chew on and pray.
Accept them when I place them
on the morning altar,
O God, my Altar-Rock,
God, Priest-of-My-Altar
Monday, July 5, 2010
I would just like to say...
I know I've been saying it all summer, but I can't wait to be reunited. I miss you all so much. There is such a freeness and happiness when I'm with my bunny family!! And most importantly, you gals spur me on to the Goodness which is God. :) You have been such an encouragement continually this summer, words cannot describe how grateful I am for you all!!
Being at home this past year especially just drives me crazy,-mostly with my dad still somewhat being out of the job. Even more so, my mom and him have to get a lot fixed with their marriage. They've always been faithful to each other, but there is such lack of communication between them which as a result runs through the family. There's so much that needs to be healed...but, in God's timing, right?
DELAINE! I'm so glad you're home. I can't wait to get back and BE WITH YOU! I have missed you beyond words. :) It's crazy how odd it is when you're not around, after all we went through this semester! You're such an encouragement (yet again) and sharpen me to be a better "tool" for Christ.
Anyway, I'm just rambling. Things are moving forward, but nothing to drastic happening. I went to the doctor several times this year to try and get on Yaz or something for my womanly times, but she just ended up telling me what I already knew and even prescribed anti-depressants...Uhm, I'M NOT DEPRESSED! It was because I said there were days where I didn't want to get out of bed, but uhh that's because I felt like absolute CRAP! Helloooo! Oh well, so I'm canceling the next "follow up" appointment and going to the skin doctor now...agh, I have never been to the doctor so many times in one year and it's driving me crazy. I hate the doctor.
This year has been so difficult. Not only with all of the emotional horror that is this year, but also physical. My skin was always pretty good-until this year. I currently have yet another disgusting cold sore. I'm 20 and I'm going to have scars on my face. Really REALLY bummed. Agh, but again, going to the skin doc soon to see if he can help out. What if he puts me on Yaz? That'd be killing two birds with one stone. Who knows, life's crazy.
Get ready to COOK! I'm so stoked :) And I found an awesome tapestry from UO that has a huge tree on it! I think I'm going to use that for my bed and then I'm hanging up all sorts of artwork on my side of the room by my bed. ART COLLAGE! :D I'm excited. I'd like to print a few of my pictures also, if you have any favorites from my flickr site, shoot me a message on facebook with the link! I'm getting my owl framed when I get back as well :)
Hooray!
Being at home this past year especially just drives me crazy,-mostly with my dad still somewhat being out of the job. Even more so, my mom and him have to get a lot fixed with their marriage. They've always been faithful to each other, but there is such lack of communication between them which as a result runs through the family. There's so much that needs to be healed...but, in God's timing, right?
DELAINE! I'm so glad you're home. I can't wait to get back and BE WITH YOU! I have missed you beyond words. :) It's crazy how odd it is when you're not around, after all we went through this semester! You're such an encouragement (yet again) and sharpen me to be a better "tool" for Christ.
Anyway, I'm just rambling. Things are moving forward, but nothing to drastic happening. I went to the doctor several times this year to try and get on Yaz or something for my womanly times, but she just ended up telling me what I already knew and even prescribed anti-depressants...Uhm, I'M NOT DEPRESSED! It was because I said there were days where I didn't want to get out of bed, but uhh that's because I felt like absolute CRAP! Helloooo! Oh well, so I'm canceling the next "follow up" appointment and going to the skin doctor now...agh, I have never been to the doctor so many times in one year and it's driving me crazy. I hate the doctor.
This year has been so difficult. Not only with all of the emotional horror that is this year, but also physical. My skin was always pretty good-until this year. I currently have yet another disgusting cold sore. I'm 20 and I'm going to have scars on my face. Really REALLY bummed. Agh, but again, going to the skin doc soon to see if he can help out. What if he puts me on Yaz? That'd be killing two birds with one stone. Who knows, life's crazy.
Get ready to COOK! I'm so stoked :) And I found an awesome tapestry from UO that has a huge tree on it! I think I'm going to use that for my bed and then I'm hanging up all sorts of artwork on my side of the room by my bed. ART COLLAGE! :D I'm excited. I'd like to print a few of my pictures also, if you have any favorites from my flickr site, shoot me a message on facebook with the link! I'm getting my owl framed when I get back as well :)
Hooray!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A short, but relevant prayer.
Psalm 138:8 (The Message)
"Finish what you started in me, God.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now."
Sometimes it's difficult to continue to desire to do good. Not even that you want to do blatant evil, you just feel tired of doing good,-like the blood, sweat, and tears is not worth it or getting you anywhere. At least, I've felt that way this year. This has been one of the most exhausting years of my life. I was talking to Joseph who said, "..someone said, you are a light, you need to just shine, no matter how much, -you just do it." I sighed a little bit and replied, "I'm a tired little light." I've been demanding with God lately, saying, "God, I've endured so much this year, I'm tired, where are my blessings? Where are my rewards? It's like you're giving them to me one moment and the next you take it away! I'm tired! Just give it to me! Give me stability and happiness for more than just one day!"
I know it doesn't work that way, though. As I vented to Joseph about it, he said, "I really think during this time, God is trying to teach you to go to Him." And ya know what? He's exactly right. I know what I need to be doing, but it's a process of getting there. God's working on my hard, stubborn, hurt heart. He is my Father and I am the resistant child,-I want to stay in a certain place, but He has me by the hand and is slowly pulling me in the direction He desires, and knows deep down that is what I desire. It is what I desire,--HE is what I desire.
"Finish what you started in me, God.
Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now."
Sometimes it's difficult to continue to desire to do good. Not even that you want to do blatant evil, you just feel tired of doing good,-like the blood, sweat, and tears is not worth it or getting you anywhere. At least, I've felt that way this year. This has been one of the most exhausting years of my life. I was talking to Joseph who said, "..someone said, you are a light, you need to just shine, no matter how much, -you just do it." I sighed a little bit and replied, "I'm a tired little light." I've been demanding with God lately, saying, "God, I've endured so much this year, I'm tired, where are my blessings? Where are my rewards? It's like you're giving them to me one moment and the next you take it away! I'm tired! Just give it to me! Give me stability and happiness for more than just one day!"
I know it doesn't work that way, though. As I vented to Joseph about it, he said, "I really think during this time, God is trying to teach you to go to Him." And ya know what? He's exactly right. I know what I need to be doing, but it's a process of getting there. God's working on my hard, stubborn, hurt heart. He is my Father and I am the resistant child,-I want to stay in a certain place, but He has me by the hand and is slowly pulling me in the direction He desires, and knows deep down that is what I desire. It is what I desire,--HE is what I desire.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I'm still alive, I swear!
Life's been crazy busy!
Just got back recently from California (as you saw :D) and getting ready to head out to Nashville for my sister's orientation at Belmont and another wedding. I hate weddings, to be honest. I will only like mine and my wedding will be short...I'll have things to do! Hahaha
But seriously, things are going well. Things with Joseph are great. I should probably just wait to explain it to you all by the time Fall comes, but basically the Lord is working amazingly in his life and if he were the same person I wouldn't be around, but he is becoming an amazing man of God in what seems like such a short time, but God is using him for good, and honestly bringing me only closer to the Lord (as it should be, and vice versa). My faith has been only strengthened and I have only felt encouraged by him. He came into this summer with the intention to bless me, and he has. He's being so mature and honestly, manly, haha so I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store, all the while doing my best to guard my heart. (We aren't dating, btw)
God knows, and He knows best, I don't need to worry about the details but just keep moving my feet forward and seeking Him.
Love you and miss you all! <3
Just got back recently from California (as you saw :D) and getting ready to head out to Nashville for my sister's orientation at Belmont and another wedding. I hate weddings, to be honest. I will only like mine and my wedding will be short...I'll have things to do! Hahaha
But seriously, things are going well. Things with Joseph are great. I should probably just wait to explain it to you all by the time Fall comes, but basically the Lord is working amazingly in his life and if he were the same person I wouldn't be around, but he is becoming an amazing man of God in what seems like such a short time, but God is using him for good, and honestly bringing me only closer to the Lord (as it should be, and vice versa). My faith has been only strengthened and I have only felt encouraged by him. He came into this summer with the intention to bless me, and he has. He's being so mature and honestly, manly, haha so I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store, all the while doing my best to guard my heart. (We aren't dating, btw)
God knows, and He knows best, I don't need to worry about the details but just keep moving my feet forward and seeking Him.
Love you and miss you all! <3
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Long Enough.
My body, brain, heart, and soul are burnt out. I could try to explain things, but they wouldn't make much sense. My life doesn't make much sense at this time anyways. This is a summer of exhaustion. I don't understand, God, but I'm doing my best to move through this mire. I am in the valley.
Psalm 13
Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head
long enough. Long enough
I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.
Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.
I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.
I am still waiting for the last part. I am more so collapsing in God's arms than I am throwing myself into them. Still waiting.
Psalm 13
Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head
long enough. Long enough
I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.
Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.
I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.
I am still waiting for the last part. I am more so collapsing in God's arms than I am throwing myself into them. Still waiting.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Strange Happenings!
I always try to keep a simple blog, but I guess I just have a lot going on right now!! 0.O
- I'm pretty sure Cody has moved on. There was a girl he was telling me who was "trying to get over him," that he is now basically doing the same thing he did with me. The statuses of "soandso=amazing!" I do think age can be just a number, but a lot of the time I feel like he is still younger than me in a lot of ways. But, I think in a lot of ways, it makes things just that much less complicated. I'm pretty sure I've moved on as well. He's sweet, and I wish him the best.
- I've hung out with Joseph every day this week. He's had set up a Bible study for everyone to come, but they all bailed this week and it ended up just being me and him, but he was kind enough to fix my Adobe Lightroom for photos anyway, so it worked out. We had some more difficult conversations and he revealed more of his struggles this semester, and we cried and talked through it some more, but I think we're making progress. Talking about this seems to bring only more healing. He has been apologizing for things that I didn't even think he would ever recognize were wrong. Every time I am around him I experience God in some way. I went to Albertson's today to buy sandwich stuff for his family since he mentioned the night before them not having enough groceries (his father is awful with money and honestly pretty poor). I know his parents are obviously under a lot of stress handling work and five kids, so I thought I'd use my photography money for someone other than myself, and what better people to give to? They're amazing. For some reason I went to the Albertson's that wasn't on the way to the Gilbert house, and I thought "Why am I going to this one? haha" as I was driving. As I was walking in to Albertsons, Joseph texted me and said, "hey I have a free drink from starbucks, would you like to come join me and have it?" Guys, starbucks is a walking distance away right across from Albertson's. Weird! So I went and talked with him for a bit, and we met at his house. I stayed for a bit and talked with him and his mother. I LOVE his mom. She has encouraged me the most this semester. Such an amazing woman, I aspire to be like her in many ways.
- I miss you girls!! I keep wishing Delaine was still five minutes away, and that you guys some how could teleport here and have dance parties whenever I want to!! I just can't watch American Idol either without the peanut gallery!! :) Haha! I am just SO excited every time I think about living with you all!!
- This is going to be a crazy next two weeks. My grandparents (mom's side) and my grandfather are going to be staying with us for a very long time, heh! V_V This is going to be absolutely insane. My grandma thinks we hate her, and my grandpa (dad's dad) is nearly deaf and always talked about how he is going to die. My mom is going to be a psycho because my sister has a million things she has to do before graduation, and my sister relies/demands a bit much from my mom, as well as my mom likes to take on a lot as well until she realizes how much it stresses her out, haha. So...here we go!
- I NEED MY HAIR REDYED! And I need my friends here to quit being wussies! No one wants to be crazy with me :( Maybe I should bust out the whip cream, Jace! :) Haha, have a great week, I was thinking of you and praying for you all today :)! Such a blessing and light to my life! <3 Love you!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Summer of Choices.
Oh...where do I even begin, girls. This is going to be a novel.
I stayed up until 4AM last night so I'll spare you most of the extra details, but I'll give you the summary of all that has happened these past few days...
I met with Joseph on Thursday at 11 at a park/trail. Driving there I wasn't nervous, just ready. I pulled up to see if he was there, I saw his car but he wasn't in it. He was sitting on a rock reading his Bible when I looked over, and then I got a little more nervous when I saw him, haha...It was so different, meeting for the first time in months. I said something awkward about his full beard and he smiled and said, "Can I hug you?" I nodded and we hugged awkwardly. We talked small talk as we walked up the trail, asking about family and talking about random stuff. When we finally sat down in a field, he took a deep breath and said, "I guess I sort of have a speech...so I'll just get started.." I said, "Yeah, I don't have much to say, go ahead." He began to read a passage from the Bible about the worm and the apple...and a tree bearing good fruit (I forget exactly what passage). He looked up and said that it is his passage for summer, seeking God, who is Goodness, and becoming good like Him. He then pulled a paper from his Bible and said he would just read it. It was a list of things he was sorry for, but ultimately sorry for the pain he caused me.
He then began to tell me all that happened this semester...I've told this story so many times I just can't go into detail any more...but it was difficult stuff to hear. Not surprising, but difficult still because I had been sort of in denial I suppose. He is very much the story of the prodigal son (his words) he had the good life, but decided he needed something more....he got it. He experienced the worldly life, and soon realized it was empty.
Girls, I've never seen such a glowing joy of Christ in someone. Although he is incredibly sorry for what he has done, and how he hurt me, he knows he is forgiven. He is seeking God with a passion I've never seen before, and in that I can rejoice with him. There's still a lot of complications, but after a few days of really thinking and praying about it, I forgive him. Because he knows all of the things that he had done wrong, and sees my value, I can be friends with him again. It's only because of God. God heals and repairs what seems impossibly broken.
We talked about much more...but overall, we prayed, we cried (he cried much more), I expressed all that I went through too, and told him about Cody's friendship and his possibility...and his kindness.
The next day I invited Joseph to a coffeehouse show with a bunch of friends. Joseph has been craving good Christian fellowship, so I figured it'd be a good time to include him. It ended up being one of the most painful nights in a long time he told me later. I could see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me most of the night. Haleigh told me too she watched him look at me most of the night. I knew he missed me, but I wasn't about to address it. That night I could tell in the things that he said and in the tones of his voice, that he missed "us." He realizes more and more what he has lost because of his sin and separation from God (also his words in a later conversation). That night he got in his car and said goodbye, and I said, "bye". It was such a different, distant feeling. No more long, warm hugs and affectionate goodbyes. This was change.
As for Cody...well, things got more complicated in my life. We had discussed off and on about not talking completely until Fall, but everytime it fell through because we made each other so happy. But this time was different, I have much to work through right now. Cody said, "I know I put my heart into this way too fast, you still have a lot to figure out and I can tell the feelings aren't mutual." They were...until I came home, but basically we've cut communication until we see each other in Fall. I feel like I am at such a fork in the road. Cody is so sweet and wants to treat me so well and I know he would, but I have been thinking about what I value most in a relationship, and I think that is being equally yolked. Not only in spirituality, but also mentally and physically. I just don't quite feel on the same page with Cody, something is off. I guess it's not fair to say since I don't know him incredibly well,...but with Joseph...I am drawn to this Light I see in him. I see God so clearly in His life, and I want that in my life. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. Other than pray, and ask God to handle it, because I really don't need to be thinking about it at this point.
Too much complication. Only God can heal this.
I talked to Joseph last night though, as he was walking out to his car. It was dark, and we could barely see each other in the moonlight, but I said suddenly, "How do you feel about me?" It threw him back a little but he said slowly, "...just straight up?" I said, "Yes, of course." He said, "Being around you...seeing you smile and laugh again...and knowing who you are,...I am highly attracted to you...Last night was so painful though, because I know that my sin separated me from God, and damaged us. I realize more and more what I have done." (He said through tears) We stayed out there talking until almost 3AM (about an hour and a half). It went well though. Things that he told me...so valuable. I think of all the things he and I, together and separately prayed for, and I can't help but wonder if this pull I feel in my spirit is God saying, yes, there is a possibility. I know that above all though, I need to focus on God whole heartedly right now. Joseph said, "I could drive myself crazy thinking about it, but everytime I do I say, Okay God, you take it. It's in Your hands, You handle it." And I know I need to be doing the same.
This summer will be interesting. I want to hang out around Joseph. I want more Jesus. I'm hungry for God. I have been in a dry spell this semester--following still, perhaps more like wandering, but have been stubborn and angry and at times apathetic....but God loves me still. I know that being around Joseph lately though, I experience God's love through him. I desire the hunger and passion that I see in Joseph, at the very least a friend. God can handle the rest.
Be praying for me as this summer will continue to be a summer of growth and choices. And again, sorry for the novel and the lack of grammar, haha :) Miss you and love you all.
I stayed up until 4AM last night so I'll spare you most of the extra details, but I'll give you the summary of all that has happened these past few days...
I met with Joseph on Thursday at 11 at a park/trail. Driving there I wasn't nervous, just ready. I pulled up to see if he was there, I saw his car but he wasn't in it. He was sitting on a rock reading his Bible when I looked over, and then I got a little more nervous when I saw him, haha...It was so different, meeting for the first time in months. I said something awkward about his full beard and he smiled and said, "Can I hug you?" I nodded and we hugged awkwardly. We talked small talk as we walked up the trail, asking about family and talking about random stuff. When we finally sat down in a field, he took a deep breath and said, "I guess I sort of have a speech...so I'll just get started.." I said, "Yeah, I don't have much to say, go ahead." He began to read a passage from the Bible about the worm and the apple...and a tree bearing good fruit (I forget exactly what passage). He looked up and said that it is his passage for summer, seeking God, who is Goodness, and becoming good like Him. He then pulled a paper from his Bible and said he would just read it. It was a list of things he was sorry for, but ultimately sorry for the pain he caused me.
He then began to tell me all that happened this semester...I've told this story so many times I just can't go into detail any more...but it was difficult stuff to hear. Not surprising, but difficult still because I had been sort of in denial I suppose. He is very much the story of the prodigal son (his words) he had the good life, but decided he needed something more....he got it. He experienced the worldly life, and soon realized it was empty.
Girls, I've never seen such a glowing joy of Christ in someone. Although he is incredibly sorry for what he has done, and how he hurt me, he knows he is forgiven. He is seeking God with a passion I've never seen before, and in that I can rejoice with him. There's still a lot of complications, but after a few days of really thinking and praying about it, I forgive him. Because he knows all of the things that he had done wrong, and sees my value, I can be friends with him again. It's only because of God. God heals and repairs what seems impossibly broken.
We talked about much more...but overall, we prayed, we cried (he cried much more), I expressed all that I went through too, and told him about Cody's friendship and his possibility...and his kindness.
The next day I invited Joseph to a coffeehouse show with a bunch of friends. Joseph has been craving good Christian fellowship, so I figured it'd be a good time to include him. It ended up being one of the most painful nights in a long time he told me later. I could see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me most of the night. Haleigh told me too she watched him look at me most of the night. I knew he missed me, but I wasn't about to address it. That night I could tell in the things that he said and in the tones of his voice, that he missed "us." He realizes more and more what he has lost because of his sin and separation from God (also his words in a later conversation). That night he got in his car and said goodbye, and I said, "bye". It was such a different, distant feeling. No more long, warm hugs and affectionate goodbyes. This was change.
As for Cody...well, things got more complicated in my life. We had discussed off and on about not talking completely until Fall, but everytime it fell through because we made each other so happy. But this time was different, I have much to work through right now. Cody said, "I know I put my heart into this way too fast, you still have a lot to figure out and I can tell the feelings aren't mutual." They were...until I came home, but basically we've cut communication until we see each other in Fall. I feel like I am at such a fork in the road. Cody is so sweet and wants to treat me so well and I know he would, but I have been thinking about what I value most in a relationship, and I think that is being equally yolked. Not only in spirituality, but also mentally and physically. I just don't quite feel on the same page with Cody, something is off. I guess it's not fair to say since I don't know him incredibly well,...but with Joseph...I am drawn to this Light I see in him. I see God so clearly in His life, and I want that in my life. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. Other than pray, and ask God to handle it, because I really don't need to be thinking about it at this point.
Too much complication. Only God can heal this.
I talked to Joseph last night though, as he was walking out to his car. It was dark, and we could barely see each other in the moonlight, but I said suddenly, "How do you feel about me?" It threw him back a little but he said slowly, "...just straight up?" I said, "Yes, of course." He said, "Being around you...seeing you smile and laugh again...and knowing who you are,...I am highly attracted to you...Last night was so painful though, because I know that my sin separated me from God, and damaged us. I realize more and more what I have done." (He said through tears) We stayed out there talking until almost 3AM (about an hour and a half). It went well though. Things that he told me...so valuable. I think of all the things he and I, together and separately prayed for, and I can't help but wonder if this pull I feel in my spirit is God saying, yes, there is a possibility. I know that above all though, I need to focus on God whole heartedly right now. Joseph said, "I could drive myself crazy thinking about it, but everytime I do I say, Okay God, you take it. It's in Your hands, You handle it." And I know I need to be doing the same.
This summer will be interesting. I want to hang out around Joseph. I want more Jesus. I'm hungry for God. I have been in a dry spell this semester--following still, perhaps more like wandering, but have been stubborn and angry and at times apathetic....but God loves me still. I know that being around Joseph lately though, I experience God's love through him. I desire the hunger and passion that I see in Joseph, at the very least a friend. God can handle the rest.
Be praying for me as this summer will continue to be a summer of growth and choices. And again, sorry for the novel and the lack of grammar, haha :) Miss you and love you all.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Don't Panic.
I woke up at 7:35 AM from stupid roofers banging their hammers on our roof...not happy.
I hope you girls are doing well, I miss everyone so much!
At least for me, being home is great in some ways, but for the most part of it I realize how much I miss being at school and away from all the drama that comes with being home. I've already had my dad guilt trip me about stuff, try to micro-manage my summer, and got to listen the classic mom/dad bickering on the way to and from church. Oy! But such is life in the Carroll family. We're broken but somehow we manage to stick together.
Anyways, I just realized a few minutes ago that tomorrow I see and talk to Joseph face to face for the first time in months. We've been talking here and there, more so than before, as he's trying to make amends. I'm okay with being friends, maybe. It's been nice to have someone to talk to again that knows the shows and sort of things I'm into again...but it's still really difficult to take him seriously. I mean, I know his intentions are pure, but when the wound is still healing, that sort of thing just tends to piss you off. I'm hoping that talking face to face will help over come that. I just want closure at the very least. Will we hang out? Maybe once or twice to give it a try, but I just don't know. I've realized how much fear has crept into my life because of this relationship, mostly being afraid that I'm going to hurt someone like he hurt me, or that my weaknesses that developed will end up hurting someone else too.
Ohh, I don't know. Life's crazy, but I try not to take it too seriously, even though all this serious stuff seems to happen to me,--often. It'll clear up with time though, everyone is almost completely done with classes for the summer and I shall be reunited with my friends soon! I think I get to see Rach and Haleigh today :) I'm excited!
The other day Haleigh went with me on a photo adventure, that was fun...sort of. We're still in that prime allergy season, so I was dying of allergies and then Haleigh sat and stepped in every ant pile she could possibly find. What nOObs. We got a few neat shots though...unfortunately my Adobe Lightroom expired...so I have to get Joseph to fix it or try to fix it myself with the many risks of frying or poisoning my computer...there's no way I'm using Picnik for all those photos, haha.
Fleetwood Mac's "Everywhere" just came on my iTunes shuffle....Leah, that one's for you :) haha
I hope you girls are doing well, I miss everyone so much!
At least for me, being home is great in some ways, but for the most part of it I realize how much I miss being at school and away from all the drama that comes with being home. I've already had my dad guilt trip me about stuff, try to micro-manage my summer, and got to listen the classic mom/dad bickering on the way to and from church. Oy! But such is life in the Carroll family. We're broken but somehow we manage to stick together.
Anyways, I just realized a few minutes ago that tomorrow I see and talk to Joseph face to face for the first time in months. We've been talking here and there, more so than before, as he's trying to make amends. I'm okay with being friends, maybe. It's been nice to have someone to talk to again that knows the shows and sort of things I'm into again...but it's still really difficult to take him seriously. I mean, I know his intentions are pure, but when the wound is still healing, that sort of thing just tends to piss you off. I'm hoping that talking face to face will help over come that. I just want closure at the very least. Will we hang out? Maybe once or twice to give it a try, but I just don't know. I've realized how much fear has crept into my life because of this relationship, mostly being afraid that I'm going to hurt someone like he hurt me, or that my weaknesses that developed will end up hurting someone else too.
Ohh, I don't know. Life's crazy, but I try not to take it too seriously, even though all this serious stuff seems to happen to me,--often. It'll clear up with time though, everyone is almost completely done with classes for the summer and I shall be reunited with my friends soon! I think I get to see Rach and Haleigh today :) I'm excited!
The other day Haleigh went with me on a photo adventure, that was fun...sort of. We're still in that prime allergy season, so I was dying of allergies and then Haleigh sat and stepped in every ant pile she could possibly find. What nOObs. We got a few neat shots though...unfortunately my Adobe Lightroom expired...so I have to get Joseph to fix it or try to fix it myself with the many risks of frying or poisoning my computer...there's no way I'm using Picnik for all those photos, haha.
Fleetwood Mac's "Everywhere" just came on my iTunes shuffle....Leah, that one's for you :) hahaFriday, May 7, 2010
These Days.
Jace, I'm so glad you could visit this weekend, it was great seeing you! I miss everyone like crazy. It's so weird seeing people every day and then only talking via internet! :/
So...life's weird and twisted. Joseph all of a sudden wants me back, and now Cody recognizes the situation with me being at home and facing all of this. I'm so glad that he's been so sweet through all of this still, but it just really sucks. He wanted to just not talk to me until fall, like completely cut off everything, but when we thought about it, both of us realized we really couldn't do that, we've gotten so close already. We just decided to cut the flirty comments as best as we can and just focus on being friends...but still, it's limited, it's restrained, and I try not to feel this way, but part of me just wants to say...it's your fault Joseph, you've damaged yet another thing in my life. It's just so frustrating that he wants to butt his way back in all of a sudden, but I guess I can't make any conclusions until I talk to him face to face. I wish it could just happen right now, I'm tired of waiting and dragging this out. I'm very much a "let's solve this problem right here, right now" kind of person. Being patient as best as I can though...
Also, I feel myself getting PMS-y, and that always frustrates me, especially right when Jace comes to town! I hate being a drag. I'm glad I went for that drive today because it helped clear my head and get a hold of myself again. Guys, and girls who don't experience bad times of the month, just can't understand how crazy you feel when it's like this. I feel insane sometimes, and out of control. Today wasn't so bad in that sense, just had so much emotion and stress building up on top of a terrible sleeping schedule lately. It felt nice to just drive with my music and the wind in my hair, scouting for interesting photo shoot spots. I got a hold of myself, and continued to have the best attitude I could.
It was good to see Dan last night. He's such a goober, and may be rough around the edges, but he's such a sweetheart. He's been a great encouragement through much in my life already, along with many other people. ;) He made some good points though...it really is hard to remember the good things from my relationship right now. I still feel the sting of betrayal of trust very much. That wound has been re-opened quite a bit by coming home again. I hope I can solve this as smoothly as humanly possible and move on with my summer, but, just gotta trust God knows what He's doing. Joseph really broke me. He's clearly trying to fix what he did, and I see it, I just don't think I'm ready to accept it yet, but who knows, the Lord has the power to change hearts at any pace. I look forward to talking to Joseph face to face, and yet dreading it.
Love you girls! Miss you.
So...life's weird and twisted. Joseph all of a sudden wants me back, and now Cody recognizes the situation with me being at home and facing all of this. I'm so glad that he's been so sweet through all of this still, but it just really sucks. He wanted to just not talk to me until fall, like completely cut off everything, but when we thought about it, both of us realized we really couldn't do that, we've gotten so close already. We just decided to cut the flirty comments as best as we can and just focus on being friends...but still, it's limited, it's restrained, and I try not to feel this way, but part of me just wants to say...it's your fault Joseph, you've damaged yet another thing in my life. It's just so frustrating that he wants to butt his way back in all of a sudden, but I guess I can't make any conclusions until I talk to him face to face. I wish it could just happen right now, I'm tired of waiting and dragging this out. I'm very much a "let's solve this problem right here, right now" kind of person. Being patient as best as I can though...
Also, I feel myself getting PMS-y, and that always frustrates me, especially right when Jace comes to town! I hate being a drag. I'm glad I went for that drive today because it helped clear my head and get a hold of myself again. Guys, and girls who don't experience bad times of the month, just can't understand how crazy you feel when it's like this. I feel insane sometimes, and out of control. Today wasn't so bad in that sense, just had so much emotion and stress building up on top of a terrible sleeping schedule lately. It felt nice to just drive with my music and the wind in my hair, scouting for interesting photo shoot spots. I got a hold of myself, and continued to have the best attitude I could.
It was good to see Dan last night. He's such a goober, and may be rough around the edges, but he's such a sweetheart. He's been a great encouragement through much in my life already, along with many other people. ;) He made some good points though...it really is hard to remember the good things from my relationship right now. I still feel the sting of betrayal of trust very much. That wound has been re-opened quite a bit by coming home again. I hope I can solve this as smoothly as humanly possible and move on with my summer, but, just gotta trust God knows what He's doing. Joseph really broke me. He's clearly trying to fix what he did, and I see it, I just don't think I'm ready to accept it yet, but who knows, the Lord has the power to change hearts at any pace. I look forward to talking to Joseph face to face, and yet dreading it.
Love you girls! Miss you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (The Message)
"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live."
"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live."
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Oh, the irony!!
Well, I guess I should've seen it coming...
Guess who flat out admitted he wants me back? Joseph started texting me last night (insert eye roll here) and said, "How did your day go?" I said, "Pretty good, you?" Which was the WRONG thing to say! I got this whole shhhpeal about "Well I hung out with Gretchen and we talked about men and how they should not compare other girls to past relationships." I didn't say anything back...but that doesn't stop him! He said..."Alrighty...it wasn't anything big, the conclusion was that men shouldn't just want any other women, he should direct his passions toward something good." And immediately after sent a text that said, "you're something good."
Oh, okay.
Then proceeds to say, "...that was probably something I should say in person." I said, "probably." Hah. OK! WHAT! Gosh. I guess I should've seen it coming..like I said, but really?? Oy. Jesus, just take me home! Haha,...just when I'm starting to feel comfortable around someone...oh! Hey! Let's throw YOU for a loop!
I just don't know, girls. When it's your first love...and yes I mean love even though I have much to learn...it's quite the literal tug on your heart. But, I promised myself, no matter how much I wanted to get back with Joseph, it's not happening this semester, if ever. Besides, I know that I want to focus on Cody right now. I really enjoy being around him, and I think it's only fair to give him my full attention and not be that wishy washy girl, and I'm going to tell Joseph that. I might as well be made into on of your adored chick flicks, heheheheeheeeeeee :)
But seriously, the drama! The irony!
But guess what...I was talking to Cody about it, and he made me cry! In a good way! Know what he said to me? "I know you like him, and if you want to be with him, no hard feelings, honestly, I'm just glad I have you now." I mean really, could he be any sweeter? Ever since we've started talking, I've woken up with a smile on my face in the morning. He's precious!
I know I don't need a boy to make me happy, and I think that's why I am so happy. I know, it doesn't seem like it makes sense, but it's just...Cody and I are friends, and we're just so chill that it doesn't matter if we end up together or not. It's just light hearted, and fun. Nothing serious, no serious commitment, just getting to know each other and having fun. He has treated me so well, and we're not even dating! I just feel blessed.
I'm talking to Joseph on the 12th...can't remember if I already mentioned that...but pray it goes well. It will be quite interesting. He ended up calling me today for the first time in months. Boy was it awkward city, but it was interesting. I felt no pain. Maybe a little coldness and annoyance (from me to him) but, definitely weird. Just small talk stuff... he's trying so hard to be Mr. Goodness it's just kind of suffocating.
Anyways...nuff of that stuff. I can't wait for JC to get here!!! :D I wish you were here Leah! You could show us your clogging moves hahahaha! Uhm, also, Morgan just told me that I should read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. THAT EXPLAINS IT ALL. By far the weirdest movie (I can only imagine with the book) I have ever seen in my life.
Love yew bunnies!
Guess who flat out admitted he wants me back? Joseph started texting me last night (insert eye roll here) and said, "How did your day go?" I said, "Pretty good, you?" Which was the WRONG thing to say! I got this whole shhhpeal about "Well I hung out with Gretchen and we talked about men and how they should not compare other girls to past relationships." I didn't say anything back...but that doesn't stop him! He said..."Alrighty...it wasn't anything big, the conclusion was that men shouldn't just want any other women, he should direct his passions toward something good." And immediately after sent a text that said, "you're something good."
Oh, okay.
Then proceeds to say, "...that was probably something I should say in person." I said, "probably." Hah. OK! WHAT! Gosh. I guess I should've seen it coming..like I said, but really?? Oy. Jesus, just take me home! Haha,...just when I'm starting to feel comfortable around someone...oh! Hey! Let's throw YOU for a loop!
I just don't know, girls. When it's your first love...and yes I mean love even though I have much to learn...it's quite the literal tug on your heart. But, I promised myself, no matter how much I wanted to get back with Joseph, it's not happening this semester, if ever. Besides, I know that I want to focus on Cody right now. I really enjoy being around him, and I think it's only fair to give him my full attention and not be that wishy washy girl, and I'm going to tell Joseph that. I might as well be made into on of your adored chick flicks, heheheheeheeeeeee :)
But seriously, the drama! The irony!
But guess what...I was talking to Cody about it, and he made me cry! In a good way! Know what he said to me? "I know you like him, and if you want to be with him, no hard feelings, honestly, I'm just glad I have you now." I mean really, could he be any sweeter? Ever since we've started talking, I've woken up with a smile on my face in the morning. He's precious!
I know I don't need a boy to make me happy, and I think that's why I am so happy. I know, it doesn't seem like it makes sense, but it's just...Cody and I are friends, and we're just so chill that it doesn't matter if we end up together or not. It's just light hearted, and fun. Nothing serious, no serious commitment, just getting to know each other and having fun. He has treated me so well, and we're not even dating! I just feel blessed.
I'm talking to Joseph on the 12th...can't remember if I already mentioned that...but pray it goes well. It will be quite interesting. He ended up calling me today for the first time in months. Boy was it awkward city, but it was interesting. I felt no pain. Maybe a little coldness and annoyance (from me to him) but, definitely weird. Just small talk stuff... he's trying so hard to be Mr. Goodness it's just kind of suffocating.
Anyways...nuff of that stuff. I can't wait for JC to get here!!! :D I wish you were here Leah! You could show us your clogging moves hahahaha! Uhm, also, Morgan just told me that I should read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. THAT EXPLAINS IT ALL. By far the weirdest movie (I can only imagine with the book) I have ever seen in my life.
Love yew bunnies!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Self Tanner and Sadness.
I woke up this morning and my hands still smell like my self tanner. Bet you didn't know I used to be ridiculously tan! When I lived in Corpus I was super dark, but I got really sun burnt on my face a few years ago at a camp and I just have been really careful (and lazy) about tanning ever since. So now in order to get a bit of color on my face I use the Jergens self tanner, haha, right now just on my face so I look a bit more alive and less like a hermit who lives in the dark. :)
Anyways, girls, I just feel really sad this morning. Cody and I have been getting to know each other these past two weeks, and we talk ALOT. He is so much fun to be around and to talk to. I just feel like he is the person I click with most at MHB. I really enjoy his company. Well, we also have parallel lifes pretty much, the timing is just a bit different. He recently got out of a three year relationship too. I don't even know this girl but I have a very strong dislike for her already. Cody is the sweetest guy. He has an absolute heart of gold and cares deeply for the people he loves, and she abused it completely. She's been trying to get a hold of him lately and get back with him now that she's probably pregnant (from sleeping around with OTHER guys) and abusing his kindness and manipulating him. He's been pretty strong and said to give him his space, but he had the last and final talk with her last night to get her off his case. Guys, this girl is an idiot. She decided to confess to him that the day after they broke up, she screwed around with some other guy. And since then, she has just gone on an absolute spiral...
Pardon my french, but how is that not supposed to make someone feel like shit? I know I did even from the stuff that happened between Joseph and I, but Cody never did ANYTHING with her because he respected her and her parents' wishes, and she does this. When he told me I just was completely livid. I'm glad that girl lives out of state now. I'd probably rip her hair out. I hate seeing people like Cody, GOOD people, get treated as thus. And yet then again, without sounding vain, I guess in a way it's happened to me. I know what I've given to Joseph, I know what I did and didn't do, and still got treated poorly even though he didn't do something quite as heartless as her...
Again, Cody and I talk a lot, and right now it's just nearly silent. I know he needs his space though, and it's good we're just friends. I've been really praying about what we need to be. I know I really like him and would certainly consider dating him, but I want what God wants. I want to desire what He desires. Also, my relationship with Joseph was based on prayer, and I want that for even a casual relationship (casual as in I haven't known him for years).
Also, I still know I have a lot to deal with Joseph, now that I am home. I'm talking to him on the 12th. It will be interesting. Last time I talked to him he said he just wanted to be friends, but I want to confirm that...because lately he's been hinting that he wants more than that back, but I don't know. Just stuff from his twitter that's like "the weather is beautiful, I wish I could just spend time with you..." and dumb crap like that. I just feel like he is trying SO HARD to be on good terms with me, but it's more just turning me off. It's just frustrating that it is now. Why now, why not then. It doesn't even feel like our relationship was real anymore.
Anyways, I'm sure you guys will be sick of hearing about my strange and awkward "love life" (or lack of) but it's just a big part of my life right now, so..bare with me, haha.
In lighter news, I'm going to paint today I think. Bunny paintings? :3 Still avoiding the warzone that is my room...I need to go shopping too! I love online shopping though...Forever 21 sales are the bomb. I love cheap clothes, especially when it's summer. :)
Love you bunnies! Miss you tons already. I wish we were having dance parties every night.
-Birdy
Anyways, girls, I just feel really sad this morning. Cody and I have been getting to know each other these past two weeks, and we talk ALOT. He is so much fun to be around and to talk to. I just feel like he is the person I click with most at MHB. I really enjoy his company. Well, we also have parallel lifes pretty much, the timing is just a bit different. He recently got out of a three year relationship too. I don't even know this girl but I have a very strong dislike for her already. Cody is the sweetest guy. He has an absolute heart of gold and cares deeply for the people he loves, and she abused it completely. She's been trying to get a hold of him lately and get back with him now that she's probably pregnant (from sleeping around with OTHER guys) and abusing his kindness and manipulating him. He's been pretty strong and said to give him his space, but he had the last and final talk with her last night to get her off his case. Guys, this girl is an idiot. She decided to confess to him that the day after they broke up, she screwed around with some other guy. And since then, she has just gone on an absolute spiral...
Pardon my french, but how is that not supposed to make someone feel like shit? I know I did even from the stuff that happened between Joseph and I, but Cody never did ANYTHING with her because he respected her and her parents' wishes, and she does this. When he told me I just was completely livid. I'm glad that girl lives out of state now. I'd probably rip her hair out. I hate seeing people like Cody, GOOD people, get treated as thus. And yet then again, without sounding vain, I guess in a way it's happened to me. I know what I've given to Joseph, I know what I did and didn't do, and still got treated poorly even though he didn't do something quite as heartless as her...
Again, Cody and I talk a lot, and right now it's just nearly silent. I know he needs his space though, and it's good we're just friends. I've been really praying about what we need to be. I know I really like him and would certainly consider dating him, but I want what God wants. I want to desire what He desires. Also, my relationship with Joseph was based on prayer, and I want that for even a casual relationship (casual as in I haven't known him for years).
Also, I still know I have a lot to deal with Joseph, now that I am home. I'm talking to him on the 12th. It will be interesting. Last time I talked to him he said he just wanted to be friends, but I want to confirm that...because lately he's been hinting that he wants more than that back, but I don't know. Just stuff from his twitter that's like "the weather is beautiful, I wish I could just spend time with you..." and dumb crap like that. I just feel like he is trying SO HARD to be on good terms with me, but it's more just turning me off. It's just frustrating that it is now. Why now, why not then. It doesn't even feel like our relationship was real anymore.
Anyways, I'm sure you guys will be sick of hearing about my strange and awkward "love life" (or lack of) but it's just a big part of my life right now, so..bare with me, haha.
In lighter news, I'm going to paint today I think. Bunny paintings? :3 Still avoiding the warzone that is my room...I need to go shopping too! I love online shopping though...Forever 21 sales are the bomb. I love cheap clothes, especially when it's summer. :)
Love you bunnies! Miss you tons already. I wish we were having dance parties every night.
-Birdy
Beginnings.
Beginnings... yeah, that's what this year has been.
Beginnings of new things. New school, new friends, new people, new life. So much change in so little time, but more and more do I realize God is the only constant in this life. Also, He never fails to suprise us with amazing blessings, especially when we don't deserve it. As the Psalmists often wrote, His love is never ending, and unfailing. He truly is GOOD.
It's strange to think at the beginning of the year I was in a relationship. It already seems like forever ago, and yet being home brings a lot of memories flooding back. I know God's guiding me though, so I'll hang on tight as the waters rise around me.
You girls are the best. How blessed am I to have such incredible, encouraging, beautiful, godly women around me, and to be my roommates!?! Crazy.
I agree Delaine, I just don't know what I'm gonna do with out you being around! Even if I was being moody about something and didn't talk about it, just your presence was comforting to me. You are very much sunshine to my life :D I don't know what I would have done without you being patient and kind to me during all that has happened this semester. :) Heaven sent!
Jace, Leah....ohhhh are we gonna have fun. I CANNOT wait for this Fall semester. It's going to be insane and busy and NONSTOP but it's going to be amazing! I can't wait to decorate! And have dance parties! And cook great food! And not so great food! HAHA! And have parties! And BOYS over! Bwahaha! It's going to be a blast :)
But...I should probably go to sleep now. It's almost 2:30 AM and Squishee is snoring. :3
-Birdy
Beginnings of new things. New school, new friends, new people, new life. So much change in so little time, but more and more do I realize God is the only constant in this life. Also, He never fails to suprise us with amazing blessings, especially when we don't deserve it. As the Psalmists often wrote, His love is never ending, and unfailing. He truly is GOOD.
It's strange to think at the beginning of the year I was in a relationship. It already seems like forever ago, and yet being home brings a lot of memories flooding back. I know God's guiding me though, so I'll hang on tight as the waters rise around me.
You girls are the best. How blessed am I to have such incredible, encouraging, beautiful, godly women around me, and to be my roommates!?! Crazy.
I agree Delaine, I just don't know what I'm gonna do with out you being around! Even if I was being moody about something and didn't talk about it, just your presence was comforting to me. You are very much sunshine to my life :D I don't know what I would have done without you being patient and kind to me during all that has happened this semester. :) Heaven sent!
Jace, Leah....ohhhh are we gonna have fun. I CANNOT wait for this Fall semester. It's going to be insane and busy and NONSTOP but it's going to be amazing! I can't wait to decorate! And have dance parties! And cook great food! And not so great food! HAHA! And have parties! And BOYS over! Bwahaha! It's going to be a blast :)
But...I should probably go to sleep now. It's almost 2:30 AM and Squishee is snoring. :3
-Birdy
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