(Break)through.

You girls know that metal band I listen to that you love so much? Well, Mattie Montgomery, the lead "singer" is also a spectacular man of God. He released a sermon series that was available for free download, so I did of course (AND I follow him on twitter, how hip am I!?). I've had it for a while and always thought it was great, but tonight it broke me down.

I've realized lately how awful my self image is. Especially lately, I am constantly pinching and pulling and staring at myself in the mirror-and never being satisfied with what I see. I've been working out almost every day, in some form or fashion, and eating less/better. Working out is fine, but I notice when I don't I feel worse about myself or like I'm suddenly going gain weight. When my hormones are raging and it gets close to that special time of the month, all of the negative, horrible things people have said to me seem to come flooding back at once. I never seem satisfied with myself. There's always something I need to change. Not only physically, but also emotionally. I know it's often said, but it's true,-I am my own worst enemy. I get stuck in my own world of putting all my imperfections in a line, and counting them over and over like some psychopath.

There are times where I honestly question my sanity. I over analyze till I exhaust my mind. I get insecure, then angry, then selfish, then insecure, then apathetic, and usually end up suppressing any feelings or thoughts until they arouse at the most unpleasant, ill-timed moment. And then I get frustrated again.

I've also realized lately that I have a lot to work through, but I keep turning and turning like I'm stuck inside that figurative hamster wheel, not knowing what to do with myself and all my instability.

Here we are, tonight, about midnight. I'm frustrated and upset about communication with my family, my relationship (or whatever it is), and most of all myself. So what do I do? Start working out before I watch another movie because I don't deserve sleep. I had already been thinking about my personal view of myself, especially after watching "Girl, Interrupted" and decided it would be a good idea to listen to some worship. I typically listen to my moody (yet so honest and wonderful) Mewithoutyou. After a MWY song, "Prayer" preached by Mattie Montgomery started. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by Love. Where he starts talking about breaking through a spirit of depression, and cutting through clouds of deception,--that was speaking straight to me. And God saying, "Aubrey, I love you, just the way you are."

Even after all these years, I need to be reminded. Constantly.
I desire to be loved as I am, consistently.

God is the only one who will 110% succeed at that.

I hope you will take the time to listen to the both of these, "Prayer" and "You Are Worth It," both which have so deeply encouraged and moved me. Love you! And definitely am excited to be with you all very very soon. <3