"Give her everything she deserves!"

What do I deserve? I ask myself.

I've been reading through Proverbs 31 this morning (yet again), thinking...what kind of woman am I, really? I'd like to think I strive for excellence,...no, holiness..but what is it really worth? What am I really doing? Too often do I struggle with, what is my goodness really worth? I don't deny it has eternal value, but to the people around me...where does this really get me? It doesn't get me a high paying job. It doesn't get me fame. I'm still not even sure if it will get me the equal, lasting relationship (eventually marriage) that I so desire.

Honestly, fame nor money are really important to me,-not for myself anyways. It's wanting to be perfection to someone else. I want to be someone's everything. I hate feeling like I am lacking in any one area. Especially looks. It haunts me and brings me down continually. Good days and bad days...but I'm learning to trust You, God. To let go of the things I think I "need" to be. I have to continually remind myself that God knows the desires of my heart, and to be strong, and wait upon the Lord. (As Psalm 27:14 so often reminds me). Also, that I am His. He created me, when I insult myself, I insult His creation. I am beautiful to Him, and the godly man He puts me with will be able to recognize that and appreciate me in the way I do deserve.

This year has been one big emotional hurricane. I know at the beginning of this year though I was not a good woman. I was apathetic, selfish, and put God to the side so I could control my own steps. Obviously it didn't work out so well. I'm still healing from the wounds I brought on myself. I'm still angry in a lot of ways, but have changed and grown so much,-especially this summer.

God most certainly doesn't give me more than I can handle, but He doesn't let up either. I keep trying to wake up early, but I can't seem to get out of bed. I am so exhausted emotionally more than anything. My brain is on overtime, and my heart is constantly fighting a battle. I am being broken. However, it doesn't end there. He is only breaking me to renew me. To rid myself of these insecurities, fears, and immaturity. I have to think to myself, better now than later.

As far as marriage, or even a relationship goes, growing up I always told God, I want what is best. I want a lasting, equal, God-centered relationship (and marriage). I know now more than ever, in this day and age especially, it is something that takes incredible dedication, and most of all blood, sweat, tears,...and prayer. And time...the thing I hate most.

Alright, I'm not really sure where I am going with this. My brain feels fried and I guess at this point I don't know what's happening exactly. I woke up at God knows what time, deep in thought. It was the weirdest feeling. All I know is I am still in a growing period. I am in the desert. This year has been the desert. God provides an "oasis" here and there, but I'm still in the heat, I can still feel the grind of the sand on my "spiritual skin," ha. I know the only way to find what I'm looking for is to seek direction. Prayer and seeking God is the only way I will find answers to all of the questions in my mind.

And so it goes.