A Summer of Choices.

Oh...where do I even begin, girls. This is going to be a novel.

I stayed up until 4AM last night so I'll spare you most of the extra details, but I'll give you the summary of all that has happened these past few days...

I met with Joseph on Thursday at 11 at a park/trail. Driving there I wasn't nervous, just ready. I pulled up to see if he was there, I saw his car but he wasn't in it. He was sitting on a rock reading his Bible when I looked over, and then I got a little more nervous when I saw him, haha...It was so different, meeting for the first time in months. I said something awkward about his full beard and he smiled and said, "Can I hug you?" I nodded and we hugged awkwardly. We talked small talk as we walked up the trail, asking about family and talking about random stuff. When we finally sat down in a field, he took a deep breath and said, "I guess I sort of have a speech...so I'll just get started.." I said, "Yeah, I don't have much to say, go ahead." He began to read a passage from the Bible about the worm and the apple...and a tree bearing good fruit (I forget exactly what passage). He looked up and said that it is his passage for summer, seeking God, who is Goodness, and becoming good like Him. He then pulled a paper from his Bible and said he would just read it. It was a list of things he was sorry for, but ultimately sorry for the pain he caused me.

He then began to tell me all that happened this semester...I've told this story so many times I just can't go into detail any more...but it was difficult stuff to hear. Not surprising, but difficult still because I had been sort of in denial I suppose. He is very much the story of the prodigal son (his words) he had the good life, but decided he needed something more....he got it. He experienced the worldly life, and soon realized it was empty.

Girls, I've never seen such a glowing joy of Christ in someone. Although he is incredibly sorry for what he has done, and how he hurt me, he knows he is forgiven. He is seeking God with a passion I've never seen before, and in that I can rejoice with him. There's still a lot of complications, but after a few days of really thinking and praying about it, I forgive him. Because he knows all of the things that he had done wrong, and sees my value, I can be friends with him again. It's only because of God. God heals and repairs what seems impossibly broken.

We talked about much more...but overall, we prayed, we cried (he cried much more), I expressed all that I went through too, and told him about Cody's friendship and his possibility...and his kindness.

The next day I invited Joseph to a coffeehouse show with a bunch of friends. Joseph has been craving good Christian fellowship, so I figured it'd be a good time to include him. It ended up being one of the most painful nights in a long time he told me later. I could see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me most of the night. Haleigh told me too she watched him look at me most of the night. I knew he missed me, but I wasn't about to address it. That night I could tell in the things that he said and in the tones of his voice, that he missed "us." He realizes more and more what he has lost because of his sin and separation from God (also his words in a later conversation). That night he got in his car and said goodbye, and I said, "bye". It was such a different, distant feeling. No more long, warm hugs and affectionate goodbyes. This was change.

As for Cody...well, things got more complicated in my life. We had discussed off and on about not talking completely until Fall, but everytime it fell through because we made each other so happy. But this time was different, I have much to work through right now. Cody said, "I know I put my heart into this way too fast, you still have a lot to figure out and I can tell the feelings aren't mutual." They were...until I came home, but basically we've cut communication until we see each other in Fall. I feel like I am at such a fork in the road. Cody is so sweet and wants to treat me so well and I know he would, but I have been thinking about what I value most in a relationship, and I think that is being equally yolked. Not only in spirituality, but also mentally and physically. I just don't quite feel on the same page with Cody, something is off. I guess it's not fair to say since I don't know him incredibly well,...but with Joseph...I am drawn to this Light I see in him. I see God so clearly in His life, and I want that in my life. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. Other than pray, and ask God to handle it, because I really don't need to be thinking about it at this point.

Too much complication. Only God can heal this.

I talked to Joseph last night though, as he was walking out to his car. It was dark, and we could barely see each other in the moonlight, but I said suddenly, "How do you feel about me?" It threw him back a little but he said slowly, "...just straight up?" I said, "Yes, of course." He said, "Being around you...seeing you smile and laugh again...and knowing who you are,...I am highly attracted to you...Last night was so painful though, because I know that my sin separated me from God, and damaged us. I realize more and more what I have done." (He said through tears) We stayed out there talking until almost 3AM (about an hour and a half). It went well though. Things that he told me...so valuable. I think of all the things he and I, together and separately prayed for, and I can't help but wonder if this pull I feel in my spirit is God saying, yes, there is a possibility. I know that above all though, I need to focus on God whole heartedly right now. Joseph said, "I could drive myself crazy thinking about it, but everytime I do I say, Okay God, you take it. It's in Your hands, You handle it." And I know I need to be doing the same.

This summer will be interesting. I want to hang out around Joseph. I want more Jesus. I'm hungry for God. I have been in a dry spell this semester--following still, perhaps more like wandering, but have been stubborn and angry and at times apathetic....but God loves me still. I know that being around Joseph lately though, I experience God's love through him. I desire the hunger and passion that I see in Joseph, at the very least a friend. God can handle the rest.

Be praying for me as this summer will continue to be a summer of growth and choices. And again, sorry for the novel and the lack of grammar, haha :) Miss you and love you all.